I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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