Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
