I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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