hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
