He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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