My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
so much tequila, so little girl.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
