i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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