dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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