I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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