please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize