I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
