I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
