Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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