Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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