if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
