I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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