Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
