Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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