Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
