god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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