She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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