I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
