How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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