dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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