I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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