i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
