Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
