He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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