I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
