Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
