Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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