So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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