at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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