the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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