I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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