my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
