Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
