I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
