I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
