I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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