Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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