I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
