two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
