Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
