He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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