we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
