____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
