I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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