I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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