There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
