So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize