At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
