That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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