I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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