she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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