I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
