We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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