I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
