wakey wakey hands off snakey
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
