Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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