dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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