I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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